Helen of Troy

I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually sick, or it's just the drama that's been going on. Because I'll be thinking "woo! I feel so much better!" and then someone else will be like "you're a shitty Mc. Shitterson person. Go drown in boiling water." and then I'm like "gotta throw up again!" Though, the past few days have been going well. I just have this inky feeling it will be short lived.

Tomorrow is a LAN party at the school, and while I was obviously not invited, it doesn't matter anyways because I have other plans. I'm going with Chaos on a weekend get-away of sorts. It happens every year and despite being a third year at my association, this will be my first year going. The guys (in my group) made me promise I would actually go this time. Normally, this is about the time I would cancel. Why? (You ask, I can hear you, you're pretty loud.) Well, something always comes up. It's not cliche, really! And right now, stress is eating away at my stomach. I might throw up again. The LAN party is hosted by my brother friend (he kind of hates me right now) and Confusing, who from this point on shall be known as Ash Catch'em. My brother has invited my ex and Comic Book Hero will be there too. So, let me sum that up for you: my brother, Ash (the guy I slept with), my ex, and Comic Book Hero (the guy I'm currently dating) will all be together at a party... tomorrow. Not that I would compare myself physically or personally with Helen of Troy, but it was the first thing that came to mind. Could it be the LAN-jan War tomorrow? Hah- no, of course not. I hope. I'll just have to hear about it later. Fortunately I will be very distracted this weekend. 

Then there is this problem where Comic Book Hero really wants me at his New Year's party. He's excited to finally be able to kiss a girl at midnight. (I'm special.) But my brother "will not go if [I] am there." To go or not to go, that is the question. I really, really want to go. But that would mean isolating my brother from his friends. I told Comic Book Hero that I might no go, and at the time I didn't have any other plans for New Year's, but now I have been invited to a party hosted by my neighbour. Meanwhile, Comic Book Hero says if I don't go, he'll just come here. Because he really, really wants to be with me. And his roommate could definitely still host the party, but that just feels not right. When did I become the center of so many problems? I also have the feeling my brother is trying to get back at me by making my life difficult. He made Ash choose between me and him, and thank goodness Ash chose him because I couldn't handle anymore complications. I just hope my brother doesn't try the same thing with Comic Book Hero. 

On other news, I changed the name of the ticket so now my best girlfriend will be going with me instead of my ex! I'm super excited. I will get to spend Christmas with her and my friends in Finland! And I heard that Finland has all sorts of lactose free products, including ice cream. Not that soy gross stuff, but real, lactose free ice cream. Yes. Ice cream has me really excited right now. 

I met a girl who reminds me a lot of a younger me. She's 18, and I see a lot of who I was at that same age in her. She's sweet and hyper and I think she's hiding a lot from the world. I remember putting up a mask (sometimes I still do) when I went out to face the world. Pretending that life was good, smiling when I wanted to cry, and all that did is make it really hard not to cry when things all came to a peak. I've heard she can be emotional. My response was: you can't blame her for being emotional if you don't know the whole story. Especially if there is a lot more going on than you can see. Especially when you don't want to burden other's with your BS. It took a lot of time before I realised my friends wanted to be there for me, wanted to help me and support me, just like I wanted to do for them. But it's a hard barrier to get past. Growing up, I was taught that most things are best left unsaid. And no one really wants to hear what's going on. My guy friends supported that theory by complaining to me when their girlfriends or friends who are girls would cry or be upset. "Does she really think I want to hold her while she cries and listen to her shit?" Hah... no, girls are sooo stupid, I used to reply. It only makes me care and want to hug her more, and punch people in the face for calling her "too emotional" or "unstable". No one is really stable, not all the time.

- This girl in this mess

Next time on this blog: I have a secret! And hopefully it'll become known after the new year. Also, how I stopped smoking, and how I'm meditating to try and prevent myself from smoking in stressful times. (Don't. Eat. Through. The. Stress.)