I suck at blogging.

But here I go trying my hand at it again!

I recently found out that "sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go", is not just for children who begged their parents to rescue a cute cat off the streets; only to find out that it was a lost cute cat and they now have to return it to it's rightful owners. It's also not just something you hear in romantic movies. Apparently, this is a thing. And it happens.

Me and Comic Book Hero broke up. I guess it could be called mutual, though I pushed for it. I asked him to "let me go", and then he finally did. Though I was hurt at first, the pain quickly faded. In the six months that I haven't written anything, in the six months that we had been dating, I barely got to know him. I knew little things, minute details. But the whole relationship had shifted on it's axis, and at some point he stopped trying. By the time we broke up (over facetime) I hadn't seen or heard from him in a week (which wasn't that abnormal for us).

If you're anything like my friends, I'm sure you're asking "so who's the new guy?" And I'm offended! Hurt even. How dare you assume I already have a new guy.

So, I'm thinking a fun nickname for him would be Heart of Gold (as in the space ship in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Because me knowing that "Belgium" is a swear word is what got us to hit it off. It has absolutely nothing to do with him being really sweet.) We have had one date already, and that's really all you nosey-people need to know for now.

There is also Piano Man, who is coming over tomorrow to hang out before I leave to visit my sister who has her internship in Berlin. We have a connection and I've known him for awhile, though we lost contact and didn't start to talk again until (... you can totally see this coming can't you?) after Comic Book Hero and I broke up. Not that that was super intentional, I just happened to message quite a few everyone who was online they day after it all went down. Piano Man happened to be one of those people. We were talking and it was like "why did we stop talking, you're super cool" and "lucky charms" and "come on over". And so he came over. And he slept over. But there was no hanky panky! We didn't even kiss. (True story.) Though the connection between us is there, it's hard to know what to call it. For now, I'll say we just enjoy each-other's company. We eventually started doing the kissy thing a few days later. It was so casual and comfortable that I honestly can't remember how it started, it just did. But I never got butterflies because of his touch or got blushy when he messaged me; like I do with Heart of Gold. Heart of Gold kissed me tonight, a lot. And with every touch and every kiss I felt my heart tremble; butterflies making me sick with giddiness. So a few days ago, I told Piano Man I wanted to go back to basics. No kissy stuff, no hand holding, no things people in relationships do: just friends. He's really happy to oblige. He feels a bit guilty that he is so vague with his feelings, but I told him it's okay. This is for the better, because I know what will happen: I'll decide that I really like him eventually and get my heart broken when he isn't sure how he feels. There is no sense in letting a little physical history get in the way of a rockin' friendship though, after all- we do have a connection.

Heart of Gold is coming over on Thursday to send me off in the evening before I sit in a bus for 12 hours. I need those homeopathic sleeping pills. Maybe I can knock my butt out and get a bit of sleep on the bus. I really can't wait to see my sister, or Berlin! We're going to visit some shops and stuff, and I can pick up a really cute dress to put on for when I get back. Because, I get back on the day of Heart of Gold's birthday! Wow, don't I have splendid timing. He's offered me to come over after I get off the bus (at a bright and shining 7 in the morning) and crawl into bed with him. This is a thing I'm very likely to do. Though it does involve meeting the parents for breakfast after we wake up.

Still no word if I've gotten into the school I applied to, but my diploma is in the mail. I'll call them when I get back from Berlin, see if they can give me any information. As for the rest of the summer? Well, we'll just have to see what happens.

- This girl had pizza for dinner

A sudden urge...

So, I was skipping through my facebook news feed when all of a sudden I see someone shared this article:

6 Things Men Will Literally Never Get

One of my guy friends shared it, and I kind of have mixed feelings about that because now I feel the urge to write a rebuttal. For the sake of all women and men out there.

Let's go through the points in the same order, shall we?

1. Drinks at the club

The author of this pretty much says 'thanks for the free booze, but you're not getting any (read: sex), no matter how much free booze you give me'. Sure, fair enough. No one should expect that if they give you a drink it's a instant one-way ticket to Panties-land. But, on that same note, accepting one drink from someone hitting on you is polite (less you really just don't want to be bothered). But, I draw the line at using someone for free booze. Besides, lady who thinks all guys should already know this stuff because of movies and family and the internet (blah blah blah), you cannot tell me you don't know what they're trying to do. They want you in a nasty, do it in the bathroom kind of way. Don't be so naive and disrespectful. 

2. When we say we need space

No one here majored in mind reading. Be honest with the person you are in a relationship with. Because if you can't be honest, then what the hell are you doing in a relationship? When I say I need space, that usually means "I don't want to say something I'll regret. And this situation is pissing me off. And hurting my head. Leave me alone while I organise my brain." Life isn't a quick-fix rom-com, and no one should have to "fight" for you everyday, let alone every week or month. Nobody has time for that, and it's exhausting. Besides, your beau probably needs some space of his own if you're anywhere near as high-maintenance as you sound. 

3. We don't over-think

Yes. Yes we do. Point in case: your article and mine.

And it's not a bad thing- unless you focus on the negative and constantly bother your significant other with the millions of thoughts that run through your head every moment. I suggest taking up creative writing, or journaling. It's constructive. 

4. We already know the truth

No. You think you already know the truth. But we just discussed how we woman (not exclusive) are prone to over-thinking. We are also prone to having faux arguments in our heads in preparation for the real deal; even though we know deep down that this argument won't go like we thought (if it even happens at all). Did no one tell you that when you assume you are making an ass-out-of-you-and-me? 

5. When we say we're fine, we're NOT

This makes me laugh and roll my eyes at the SAME TIME. Yes, 'fine' has become that word in arguments that girls use when they're not fine. But you know what? Just like the 'I need space' BS, no one can read your mind. If you're not fine, say: "I'm not fine." Really that simple. 

I'm personally NOT okay with a guy bugging me a bazillion times to see if I'm okay. If I'm not okay and I'm being passive aggressive about it, don't worry, I'll get around to letting you know what's up. Right now, I'm trying to figure out 1) What exactly is wrong. 2) How do I convey what I'm feeling in words. 3) What is it that I want the solution to be. Maybe some other things too, but that's the gist of it. But if you keep bothering me about it, then I'm only going to get annoyed with you on top of whatever else it is that's already bothering me. 

6. Fantasies

I think I threw up a little bit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, seriously NO. Do not, please, reference romance movies when asking guys to understand the (get ready for sarcasm) oh so complex mind and life of the female. First of all, they probably didn't see the movie; and if they did, they probably weren't paying attention because they were forced to see it by some girl. Second, if you idealise men by what you see in movies, then you're only setting yourself up for disappointment. Plus, you're being just as bad as men who idealise woman for the way they see them in movies. 

So yea. Got that out of my system. Here's a picture of the phone case I made.

- This tired of whiney girls, girl

Quick sir! Tell me what year it is!

Skittles Rum! 

(Kids drink responsibly. I mean, not kids. Kids don't drink. Adults drink responsibly...)

- Two big bag of skittles

- Five cool looking glass bottles (already pre filled with rum definitely works)

- Rum to fill the bottles (if not already pre filled)*

- 5 bowls

- empty water bottle

- coffee filters

- funnel

- pitcher

(*Rum can be substituted for vodka or I guess any strong clear liquor.)

Sort your two bags of skittles into bowls. If you have pre filled bottles (mine were 350ml), you will need to empty about a fifth of the rum from each bottle into a empty water bottle. (Make room for the skittles! Science b!%@#) I put 50 skittles into each bottle. Make sure all bottles are sealed nicely, put the water bottle aside (maybe clearly marked "RUM" so you don't drink it the next morning thinking it's water. Totally didn't make that mistake myself or anything...) Shake. Shake a couple hours later. Shake some more. Create a song and dance for every time you shake. Watch telly. Shake them bottles baby! Go to sleep. Eat breakfast. Shake again. Let these colourful bottles of joy sit for about 24 hours to let all the candy dissolve. (While periodically shaking them. Did I mention... shake? My rum shake brings all the boys to the yard?) Filter the skittle jizz from the rum using the funnel and coffee filters into the pitcher. This part takes awhile. Also, you will need to filter the rum a couple times. Put them back in their bottles, refill to the top with the rum in the water bottle. Top on tight and shake. Stick them in the freezer until ready to drink. Mixes well with sprite.

Happy New Year everyone! It's 2014! I decided to not smoke! I have a boyfriend! I'm attempting to set Ash up with my 'sister'! I'm working on my portfolio! I'm going snowboarding Friday! For a week! I ate homemade mac&cheese tonight with lactose free cheese! And it was amazing! I added spinach to make it kind of healthy! 

Things are really good, Comic Book Hero and I are doing amazingly well and even bought a pie for our one month anniversary. (Mainly because after New Years, there was still about 7 of us sleeping at Comic Book Hero & Co.'s house. And we all woke up together because we all were still sleeping in the same room. So I announced to everyone the good news after Comic Book Hero and I spent a few minutes cuddling under the covers.) Things are really good with Ash too! We get along great and even are good friends. It makes me smile that things are so nice. This past week I've become so close to such cool people. I don't have nicknames for them yet. I'll get back to you on that. My sister and Ash were flirting at the New Year's party and it was so cute! So now I'm trying to get them to talk and stuff... (tehehehe winky face) 

Guess who messaged me the other day? (Hint: The answer is not "your mom".) My brother! Yea, I was pretty surprised too. It was kind of late in the evening/early in the morning. It started off okay, it was all "Hey, if you try I will try. But I still don't like you." And then it really quickly jumped to "You're super selfish and never think about anyone else and I had a shitty New Year's because of you." Okay, he didn't really say the last part, but he did imply it. Really. He also called me a liar. Which is true, I did lie about having sex with Ash. Of course I regret that whole situation, lying included. I lied because I was a coward. I didn't want to have to deal with what I did or the consequences I'd have to face. I wanted to avoid all that/this. Now, he wants to meet up and "talk" because Ash has a housewarming coming up soon and Ash wants us both to be there. Apparently the only problem is with my brother because I induce blinding rage in him or something. Though, now it's better. He's cooled off a lot, so I've been told, and he wants to "try". I tried using a Star Wars quote on him ("there is no try, only do") but it kind of flopped. At any rate, I immediately felt sick again (didn't help that I was actually already sick) and had to throw up, then I cried myself to sleep. (Needless to say, I'm not really looking forward to our upcoming "talk" if this is how our conversations are going to end from now on.) Comic Book Hero was by my side fortunately and held me. "Everything will be okay." 

Winter sport vacation starts this Friday! I'm going snowboarding with my neighbour & co. We're staying in a cabin for 10 days, I'm so excited. First time snowboarding on a real mountain (omigoodness). 

- This new year!

That feeling when...

Today I made it ‘facebook official’ with Comic Book Hero. I would like to say that “I don’t care about such superficial indications of love.” And there is also a little part of me that says, “Be careful that which you put on the internet.” Sure, it’s not me showing my lady bits while drunk or anything, but I do feel a shudder of concern for the impact that it could have on some people one. But then I remind myself that he already knows all the information and besides he de-friended me on facebook. (Thus, fortunately it won’t be blasted all over his wall in big flashy letters: “Your Ex is in a new relationship with this guy!” (Or girl. It could happen.)) Though speaking of the ex, his birthday is today. My phone reminded me. At first I got really confused thinking Facebook was reminding me, and how that couldn’t really happen. I didn’t wish him a good one, I’m thinking that he would prefer to think I didn’t exist. And the reminder that I still do, would outweigh the blessing of a happy birthday. But, if you happen to be reading this; I wish you a happy birthday.

I spent Christmas in the north of Finland. And while it was my misfortune to not see the northern lights, I still had (for the first time ever) a white Christmas. I took a good friend of mine along (sisters? best friends? engaged?) and I couldn’t have asked for a better traveling buddy. We both of the same interests: food, culture, walking, and small boutique shopping. We also learned a lot about Finnish Christmas, and my Finnish friend even cooked us some traditional Finnish Christmas food. Amongst the things we learned:

- Santa only spanks children if they’re bad (instead of coal in the stocking- The States and England/other English speaking countries?, kidnapping in Santa’s toy bag- Netherlands, or being boiled into stew and eaten- Sweden).
- Before it was “Santa Claus” it was a Christmas goat, who brought all the good little boys and girls presents. 
- Christmas goat is represented by a miniature straw goat and hidden in houses/stores.
- Christmas morning rice porridge is made with one almond. He or she who gets the almond has a whole year of good luck.
- The Christmas tree sits in the house bare until Christmas Eve morning. Then everyone helps to decorate the tree.

We also spent Christmas Eve on top of a hill with a nice big fire and roasted veggies and sausages, drinking imported vodka, and having a jolly ol’ time in knee deep snow. Seeing as it was -3*c or so, when we got back to 7/8*c in the Netherlands, we didn’t need our jackets and found it indeed warmer. And I was pleasantly surprised by Comic Book Hero showing up at the airport.

“You were flying from Helsinki right? Just casually asking.” (I was tempted to send the flight number “just casually letting you know”, but I really enjoyed the effort.)

The next day I spent with Comic Book Hero, his house-mate (who will have to get a nickname soon, because come the new year there will be another housemate), Ash Catch’em, and a few other lovely people. I haven’t seen Ash since the whole I like you/I don’t like you thing. It was such an abrupt decision (made over facebook messaging I believe) that I guess we hadn’t really anticipated what would happen when we’d see each other again. Him being so busy with school and other matters of life and me being so busy with… well Comic Book Hero (and other matters of life of course), we also hadn’t talked much since then either. It’s been almost a month since we’ve seen each other. It felt like being neck deep in water whenever he was around. And I couldn’t help but be awkward. I tried hard to act like I ‘normally do’ but at some moments I couldn’t tell if he understood I was being sarcastic and joking around, or if he thought I was serious. Then of course he was also very edgy with the jokes. There is a left over hiss of electricity when I see him, that considering how much it’s already faded, I can only imagine will be gone very soon. According to Comic Book Hero though, Ash still has feelings for me. Which I denied, given his (what I thought) slightly acidic humour towards me.

- This world traveller 

"Do you want..."

“…to join us backstage for drinks?” Asked one of the bands that played that evening. 

“I can do that?” I said as I followed along. 

————————————————————

Last Thursday I was invited to a concert with friends for the next day. “Our friend backed out, and we’ve asked literally everyone.” After listening to the link they sent me of one of the band’s song, I happily agreed. Sounds awesome! I thought. It had been awhile since I was at a concert anyways, I miss the atmosphere. Having never heard the band before, I didn’t really know what to expect. Will and the People was their name. And boy did they have quite the que for their show! We grabbed food, hopped in line, and got in just in time to catch them walking on stage. Unfortunately this meant we missed the opening band. (Yes Sir Boss) Another band I had never heard of before. But that fact barely phased me. 

After the first round of drinks, I offered myself up to get the second. Standing at the bar I was distracted by the (lack of) que and the music. Thinking it was my turn up, I quickly stuck up three fingers and said “drie biertjes alsjeblieft!” as loud as I could. Then I noticed the guy next to me give that all-too-familiar look of ‘dammit’. First I apologised in Dutch, then upon realisation that he was not Dutch, I began to apologise in English. We laughed it off and started talking, and the few others he was with joined in. Still clutching the three beers in my hands, I left with a promise to continue the conversation because they seemed like really cool people. 

A bit later, I find them again, and finally get to the question “So you guys came all the way from England?” 

“Yea, well we were the opening band.” 

“Oooo, really? Man! I missed you guys because the que outside was so long!” … “No, I haven’t ever heard of you before.” I blushed a bit - semi-embarrassed to admit to the band that I haven’t the faintest idea who they are. But the rest of Will and the People, a free CD, few drinks, plenty of conversation, and quick ‘tour” (the ATM is there, and we can smoke indoors) later and I was being invited back stage. 

Never have I ever just been invited backstage before. Sure, my dad promoted concerts and was the manager of a pretty ‘hip’ club back in the day. And he hosted many bands that I am proud to have to just been in the same room as. But. I was two. Or maybe three. Fun stories, but that stuff doesn’t count.

Back stage with Yes Sir Boss, Will and the People, and all the managers, producers, sound techs, roadies, groupies and anybody else apart of what makes a music tour work, and me. 

Things to do before I die #286: Party with the band. Check.

- This groupie

Helen of Troy

I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually sick, or it's just the drama that's been going on. Because I'll be thinking "woo! I feel so much better!" and then someone else will be like "you're a shitty Mc. Shitterson person. Go drown in boiling water." and then I'm like "gotta throw up again!" Though, the past few days have been going well. I just have this inky feeling it will be short lived.

Tomorrow is a LAN party at the school, and while I was obviously not invited, it doesn't matter anyways because I have other plans. I'm going with Chaos on a weekend get-away of sorts. It happens every year and despite being a third year at my association, this will be my first year going. The guys (in my group) made me promise I would actually go this time. Normally, this is about the time I would cancel. Why? (You ask, I can hear you, you're pretty loud.) Well, something always comes up. It's not cliche, really! And right now, stress is eating away at my stomach. I might throw up again. The LAN party is hosted by my brother friend (he kind of hates me right now) and Confusing, who from this point on shall be known as Ash Catch'em. My brother has invited my ex and Comic Book Hero will be there too. So, let me sum that up for you: my brother, Ash (the guy I slept with), my ex, and Comic Book Hero (the guy I'm currently dating) will all be together at a party... tomorrow. Not that I would compare myself physically or personally with Helen of Troy, but it was the first thing that came to mind. Could it be the LAN-jan War tomorrow? Hah- no, of course not. I hope. I'll just have to hear about it later. Fortunately I will be very distracted this weekend. 

Then there is this problem where Comic Book Hero really wants me at his New Year's party. He's excited to finally be able to kiss a girl at midnight. (I'm special.) But my brother "will not go if [I] am there." To go or not to go, that is the question. I really, really want to go. But that would mean isolating my brother from his friends. I told Comic Book Hero that I might no go, and at the time I didn't have any other plans for New Year's, but now I have been invited to a party hosted by my neighbour. Meanwhile, Comic Book Hero says if I don't go, he'll just come here. Because he really, really wants to be with me. And his roommate could definitely still host the party, but that just feels not right. When did I become the center of so many problems? I also have the feeling my brother is trying to get back at me by making my life difficult. He made Ash choose between me and him, and thank goodness Ash chose him because I couldn't handle anymore complications. I just hope my brother doesn't try the same thing with Comic Book Hero. 

On other news, I changed the name of the ticket so now my best girlfriend will be going with me instead of my ex! I'm super excited. I will get to spend Christmas with her and my friends in Finland! And I heard that Finland has all sorts of lactose free products, including ice cream. Not that soy gross stuff, but real, lactose free ice cream. Yes. Ice cream has me really excited right now. 

I met a girl who reminds me a lot of a younger me. She's 18, and I see a lot of who I was at that same age in her. She's sweet and hyper and I think she's hiding a lot from the world. I remember putting up a mask (sometimes I still do) when I went out to face the world. Pretending that life was good, smiling when I wanted to cry, and all that did is make it really hard not to cry when things all came to a peak. I've heard she can be emotional. My response was: you can't blame her for being emotional if you don't know the whole story. Especially if there is a lot more going on than you can see. Especially when you don't want to burden other's with your BS. It took a lot of time before I realised my friends wanted to be there for me, wanted to help me and support me, just like I wanted to do for them. But it's a hard barrier to get past. Growing up, I was taught that most things are best left unsaid. And no one really wants to hear what's going on. My guy friends supported that theory by complaining to me when their girlfriends or friends who are girls would cry or be upset. "Does she really think I want to hold her while she cries and listen to her shit?" Hah... no, girls are sooo stupid, I used to reply. It only makes me care and want to hug her more, and punch people in the face for calling her "too emotional" or "unstable". No one is really stable, not all the time.

- This girl in this mess

Next time on this blog: I have a secret! And hopefully it'll become known after the new year. Also, how I stopped smoking, and how I'm meditating to try and prevent myself from smoking in stressful times. (Don't. Eat. Through. The. Stress.)

Winter ends as it begins.

You clean all your dishes and then somehow they all are dirty again by the end of the day. (Dramatic sigh here.) 

Tonight was girl's night with one of my longest standing friends I have here in Dutchland. Now that she is done with school, she has free time again! Her recent break-up has also freed her up greatly. Fortunately for me, that means I can see her a lot more frequently before she leaves for a third of a  year to New Zealand. (Super jealous!) Though the situation isn't ideal or fortunate for her ex, and in her circumstance, not for her either. Well, she knows she made the right decission, he just seems very reluctant to give her up. Thus texting her and making attempts at conversation more than when they were dating. Peculiar, thought I. Would this be my life if I hadn't @$%&ed up? (The more time goes by; the more people I talk with, the less guilty I feel about my actions.) My ex told me that he had still thought I was perfect, but then I did that thing where I had sex with someone while being single... 

Rant time! 
Okay, is he really surprised? He knew me and knew I've done such similiar things. Also, I apologise profusely, but that is far from enough. He forgets my birthday, breaks his promises, tells me "It's just a fish..." when my fish dies (sure it was "just a fish", but it was my fish; my pet! In what world do you dismiss your girlfriend/boyfriend/friend's pain in such a way?), and tells me sorry. He tells me that that is all he can do, and I'm being irrational for holding onto my anger or still being upset. Sure, I seek validation for my distress. And you know what? People agree with me. He knows my biggest secret. He knows that sex just doesn't hold the same value for me as it does for other people. Maybe that's just how it goes when something apparently so special gets stolen from you. This situation only proves that how we care and think about things is just too different. 
Rant over.

I got my onesie today! I'm Batman. It has thumb holes and pockets and a removable cape and the hoodie is a Batman mask. Basically, it's the best thing ever. Be jealous. Do it. The theme of Comic Book Hero's (& Co.) New Year's party is onesie and wizards. Tempted to dress up as Gandalf (full beard action), I was easily talked into the onesie. And rightly so! This thing is so cozy. It's like wearing a suit made of warm, cuddly, purring kittens while on happy drugs. Plus, I've heard it's the best for long trips in cars/busses/and the such. 

Speaking of Comic Book Hero, I'm seeing him on Wednesday and our date really couldn't come sooner. We've been chatting and skyping and minecrafting. A few weeks ago I met him and a couple weeks ago we really started talking. But it feels like I've known him forever. He's not just interested in making a blanket fort, he's excited. I'm nervous. I really like him and I'm really looking forward to it. I want to spend the night and hold him and kiss him because I've never felt this way before. (You can gag on my sappyness, it's okay.) And I don't want to mess things up. I'm not intending to bed him in that sense, I'm really comfortable with waiting. But I will have a night terror. No doubt. The same one. And I will kick, cry, scream, and wake up in a pant. Or I won't sleep at all. Too petrified to relive the memories.

Comic Book Hero told me the most beautiful thing the other night. He said, "I understand that you had a hard childhood (I kind of dancce around the topic and tell him I'm just not ready to discuss some things.) and I've had a really safe and good childhood. I want to share that with you, you deserve to be really happy and I want to be the one that makes you feel safe." I cried. Man, sometimes I feel like the most horrid and poisonous person. How... how did I get so lucky as to have someone so sweet and amazing in my life? I don't deserve it, and I'm sure some would agree with that statement. 

- I'm Batman (this girl)