That feeling when...

Today I made it ‘facebook official’ with Comic Book Hero. I would like to say that “I don’t care about such superficial indications of love.” And there is also a little part of me that says, “Be careful that which you put on the internet.” Sure, it’s not me showing my lady bits while drunk or anything, but I do feel a shudder of concern for the impact that it could have on some people one. But then I remind myself that he already knows all the information and besides he de-friended me on facebook. (Thus, fortunately it won’t be blasted all over his wall in big flashy letters: “Your Ex is in a new relationship with this guy!” (Or girl. It could happen.)) Though speaking of the ex, his birthday is today. My phone reminded me. At first I got really confused thinking Facebook was reminding me, and how that couldn’t really happen. I didn’t wish him a good one, I’m thinking that he would prefer to think I didn’t exist. And the reminder that I still do, would outweigh the blessing of a happy birthday. But, if you happen to be reading this; I wish you a happy birthday.

I spent Christmas in the north of Finland. And while it was my misfortune to not see the northern lights, I still had (for the first time ever) a white Christmas. I took a good friend of mine along (sisters? best friends? engaged?) and I couldn’t have asked for a better traveling buddy. We both of the same interests: food, culture, walking, and small boutique shopping. We also learned a lot about Finnish Christmas, and my Finnish friend even cooked us some traditional Finnish Christmas food. Amongst the things we learned:

- Santa only spanks children if they’re bad (instead of coal in the stocking- The States and England/other English speaking countries?, kidnapping in Santa’s toy bag- Netherlands, or being boiled into stew and eaten- Sweden).
- Before it was “Santa Claus” it was a Christmas goat, who brought all the good little boys and girls presents. 
- Christmas goat is represented by a miniature straw goat and hidden in houses/stores.
- Christmas morning rice porridge is made with one almond. He or she who gets the almond has a whole year of good luck.
- The Christmas tree sits in the house bare until Christmas Eve morning. Then everyone helps to decorate the tree.

We also spent Christmas Eve on top of a hill with a nice big fire and roasted veggies and sausages, drinking imported vodka, and having a jolly ol’ time in knee deep snow. Seeing as it was -3*c or so, when we got back to 7/8*c in the Netherlands, we didn’t need our jackets and found it indeed warmer. And I was pleasantly surprised by Comic Book Hero showing up at the airport.

“You were flying from Helsinki right? Just casually asking.” (I was tempted to send the flight number “just casually letting you know”, but I really enjoyed the effort.)

The next day I spent with Comic Book Hero, his house-mate (who will have to get a nickname soon, because come the new year there will be another housemate), Ash Catch’em, and a few other lovely people. I haven’t seen Ash since the whole I like you/I don’t like you thing. It was such an abrupt decision (made over facebook messaging I believe) that I guess we hadn’t really anticipated what would happen when we’d see each other again. Him being so busy with school and other matters of life and me being so busy with… well Comic Book Hero (and other matters of life of course), we also hadn’t talked much since then either. It’s been almost a month since we’ve seen each other. It felt like being neck deep in water whenever he was around. And I couldn’t help but be awkward. I tried hard to act like I ‘normally do’ but at some moments I couldn’t tell if he understood I was being sarcastic and joking around, or if he thought I was serious. Then of course he was also very edgy with the jokes. There is a left over hiss of electricity when I see him, that considering how much it’s already faded, I can only imagine will be gone very soon. According to Comic Book Hero though, Ash still has feelings for me. Which I denied, given his (what I thought) slightly acidic humour towards me.

- This world traveller 

"Do you want..."

“…to join us backstage for drinks?” Asked one of the bands that played that evening. 

“I can do that?” I said as I followed along. 

————————————————————

Last Thursday I was invited to a concert with friends for the next day. “Our friend backed out, and we’ve asked literally everyone.” After listening to the link they sent me of one of the band’s song, I happily agreed. Sounds awesome! I thought. It had been awhile since I was at a concert anyways, I miss the atmosphere. Having never heard the band before, I didn’t really know what to expect. Will and the People was their name. And boy did they have quite the que for their show! We grabbed food, hopped in line, and got in just in time to catch them walking on stage. Unfortunately this meant we missed the opening band. (Yes Sir Boss) Another band I had never heard of before. But that fact barely phased me. 

After the first round of drinks, I offered myself up to get the second. Standing at the bar I was distracted by the (lack of) que and the music. Thinking it was my turn up, I quickly stuck up three fingers and said “drie biertjes alsjeblieft!” as loud as I could. Then I noticed the guy next to me give that all-too-familiar look of ‘dammit’. First I apologised in Dutch, then upon realisation that he was not Dutch, I began to apologise in English. We laughed it off and started talking, and the few others he was with joined in. Still clutching the three beers in my hands, I left with a promise to continue the conversation because they seemed like really cool people. 

A bit later, I find them again, and finally get to the question “So you guys came all the way from England?” 

“Yea, well we were the opening band.” 

“Oooo, really? Man! I missed you guys because the que outside was so long!” … “No, I haven’t ever heard of you before.” I blushed a bit - semi-embarrassed to admit to the band that I haven’t the faintest idea who they are. But the rest of Will and the People, a free CD, few drinks, plenty of conversation, and quick ‘tour” (the ATM is there, and we can smoke indoors) later and I was being invited back stage. 

Never have I ever just been invited backstage before. Sure, my dad promoted concerts and was the manager of a pretty ‘hip’ club back in the day. And he hosted many bands that I am proud to have to just been in the same room as. But. I was two. Or maybe three. Fun stories, but that stuff doesn’t count.

Back stage with Yes Sir Boss, Will and the People, and all the managers, producers, sound techs, roadies, groupies and anybody else apart of what makes a music tour work, and me. 

Things to do before I die #286: Party with the band. Check.

- This groupie

Helen of Troy

I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually sick, or it's just the drama that's been going on. Because I'll be thinking "woo! I feel so much better!" and then someone else will be like "you're a shitty Mc. Shitterson person. Go drown in boiling water." and then I'm like "gotta throw up again!" Though, the past few days have been going well. I just have this inky feeling it will be short lived.

Tomorrow is a LAN party at the school, and while I was obviously not invited, it doesn't matter anyways because I have other plans. I'm going with Chaos on a weekend get-away of sorts. It happens every year and despite being a third year at my association, this will be my first year going. The guys (in my group) made me promise I would actually go this time. Normally, this is about the time I would cancel. Why? (You ask, I can hear you, you're pretty loud.) Well, something always comes up. It's not cliche, really! And right now, stress is eating away at my stomach. I might throw up again. The LAN party is hosted by my brother friend (he kind of hates me right now) and Confusing, who from this point on shall be known as Ash Catch'em. My brother has invited my ex and Comic Book Hero will be there too. So, let me sum that up for you: my brother, Ash (the guy I slept with), my ex, and Comic Book Hero (the guy I'm currently dating) will all be together at a party... tomorrow. Not that I would compare myself physically or personally with Helen of Troy, but it was the first thing that came to mind. Could it be the LAN-jan War tomorrow? Hah- no, of course not. I hope. I'll just have to hear about it later. Fortunately I will be very distracted this weekend. 

Then there is this problem where Comic Book Hero really wants me at his New Year's party. He's excited to finally be able to kiss a girl at midnight. (I'm special.) But my brother "will not go if [I] am there." To go or not to go, that is the question. I really, really want to go. But that would mean isolating my brother from his friends. I told Comic Book Hero that I might no go, and at the time I didn't have any other plans for New Year's, but now I have been invited to a party hosted by my neighbour. Meanwhile, Comic Book Hero says if I don't go, he'll just come here. Because he really, really wants to be with me. And his roommate could definitely still host the party, but that just feels not right. When did I become the center of so many problems? I also have the feeling my brother is trying to get back at me by making my life difficult. He made Ash choose between me and him, and thank goodness Ash chose him because I couldn't handle anymore complications. I just hope my brother doesn't try the same thing with Comic Book Hero. 

On other news, I changed the name of the ticket so now my best girlfriend will be going with me instead of my ex! I'm super excited. I will get to spend Christmas with her and my friends in Finland! And I heard that Finland has all sorts of lactose free products, including ice cream. Not that soy gross stuff, but real, lactose free ice cream. Yes. Ice cream has me really excited right now. 

I met a girl who reminds me a lot of a younger me. She's 18, and I see a lot of who I was at that same age in her. She's sweet and hyper and I think she's hiding a lot from the world. I remember putting up a mask (sometimes I still do) when I went out to face the world. Pretending that life was good, smiling when I wanted to cry, and all that did is make it really hard not to cry when things all came to a peak. I've heard she can be emotional. My response was: you can't blame her for being emotional if you don't know the whole story. Especially if there is a lot more going on than you can see. Especially when you don't want to burden other's with your BS. It took a lot of time before I realised my friends wanted to be there for me, wanted to help me and support me, just like I wanted to do for them. But it's a hard barrier to get past. Growing up, I was taught that most things are best left unsaid. And no one really wants to hear what's going on. My guy friends supported that theory by complaining to me when their girlfriends or friends who are girls would cry or be upset. "Does she really think I want to hold her while she cries and listen to her shit?" Hah... no, girls are sooo stupid, I used to reply. It only makes me care and want to hug her more, and punch people in the face for calling her "too emotional" or "unstable". No one is really stable, not all the time.

- This girl in this mess

Next time on this blog: I have a secret! And hopefully it'll become known after the new year. Also, how I stopped smoking, and how I'm meditating to try and prevent myself from smoking in stressful times. (Don't. Eat. Through. The. Stress.)

Winter ends as it begins.

You clean all your dishes and then somehow they all are dirty again by the end of the day. (Dramatic sigh here.) 

Tonight was girl's night with one of my longest standing friends I have here in Dutchland. Now that she is done with school, she has free time again! Her recent break-up has also freed her up greatly. Fortunately for me, that means I can see her a lot more frequently before she leaves for a third of a  year to New Zealand. (Super jealous!) Though the situation isn't ideal or fortunate for her ex, and in her circumstance, not for her either. Well, she knows she made the right decission, he just seems very reluctant to give her up. Thus texting her and making attempts at conversation more than when they were dating. Peculiar, thought I. Would this be my life if I hadn't @$%&ed up? (The more time goes by; the more people I talk with, the less guilty I feel about my actions.) My ex told me that he had still thought I was perfect, but then I did that thing where I had sex with someone while being single... 

Rant time! 
Okay, is he really surprised? He knew me and knew I've done such similiar things. Also, I apologise profusely, but that is far from enough. He forgets my birthday, breaks his promises, tells me "It's just a fish..." when my fish dies (sure it was "just a fish", but it was my fish; my pet! In what world do you dismiss your girlfriend/boyfriend/friend's pain in such a way?), and tells me sorry. He tells me that that is all he can do, and I'm being irrational for holding onto my anger or still being upset. Sure, I seek validation for my distress. And you know what? People agree with me. He knows my biggest secret. He knows that sex just doesn't hold the same value for me as it does for other people. Maybe that's just how it goes when something apparently so special gets stolen from you. This situation only proves that how we care and think about things is just too different. 
Rant over.

I got my onesie today! I'm Batman. It has thumb holes and pockets and a removable cape and the hoodie is a Batman mask. Basically, it's the best thing ever. Be jealous. Do it. The theme of Comic Book Hero's (& Co.) New Year's party is onesie and wizards. Tempted to dress up as Gandalf (full beard action), I was easily talked into the onesie. And rightly so! This thing is so cozy. It's like wearing a suit made of warm, cuddly, purring kittens while on happy drugs. Plus, I've heard it's the best for long trips in cars/busses/and the such. 

Speaking of Comic Book Hero, I'm seeing him on Wednesday and our date really couldn't come sooner. We've been chatting and skyping and minecrafting. A few weeks ago I met him and a couple weeks ago we really started talking. But it feels like I've known him forever. He's not just interested in making a blanket fort, he's excited. I'm nervous. I really like him and I'm really looking forward to it. I want to spend the night and hold him and kiss him because I've never felt this way before. (You can gag on my sappyness, it's okay.) And I don't want to mess things up. I'm not intending to bed him in that sense, I'm really comfortable with waiting. But I will have a night terror. No doubt. The same one. And I will kick, cry, scream, and wake up in a pant. Or I won't sleep at all. Too petrified to relive the memories.

Comic Book Hero told me the most beautiful thing the other night. He said, "I understand that you had a hard childhood (I kind of dancce around the topic and tell him I'm just not ready to discuss some things.) and I've had a really safe and good childhood. I want to share that with you, you deserve to be really happy and I want to be the one that makes you feel safe." I cried. Man, sometimes I feel like the most horrid and poisonous person. How... how did I get so lucky as to have someone so sweet and amazing in my life? I don't deserve it, and I'm sure some would agree with that statement. 

- I'm Batman (this girl)

This bitch part 2! ... *sigh*

Cold like ice. 

It's not news to me that I'm a bit of a bitch. Or careless. Or selfless. Or...whatever. I have documented record of my horridness. Long story short? I slept with someone else the day after I broke up with my boyfriend. This has affected my life in a few ways. First, my ex hates me. I didn't break up with him because I didn't love him, I broke up with him because I wasn't in love with him anymore. I feel devastated. 

So why did you do it?

Because I'm human? Because I make mistakes? Because I honestly have no idea? I wish I could answer this question. Sure, I liked the guy. And I was curious. I made it happen, I did. But it didn't feel right, and now I'm stuck asking myself the same question. EDIT- After having lunch with my neighbour, and talking about everything, I admit I agree with him. He told me everyone makes mistakes. Things like this happen, probably from a desire to feel loved in a time of chaos and pain. 

Second thing that happened? I pissed off a good friend of mine. Who is also the best friend of my ex. Why am I good friends with my ex's best friend? (Or should I say, why was I...) Because he's like the older brother I never had (despite having an older brother). I could always look up to him and talk with him. But I lied to him about what happened. Was is my best decision? No. Definitely not. I haven't really been doing good in that area this week.

Third thing? I have burned the bridges to help me get into the school I want to study at. I will fix everything. Also, Confusing doesn't confuse me anymore. In fact, I feel sick thinking about him. Unfortunately, my emotions are pretty strong at the moment. 

On other news I'm going to Utrecht tonight to celebrate a birthday get drunk. Or...tipsy. Party, distraction, have a good time. 

We never mean to hurt the people we care about. But, we are naturally flawed people and we do make mistakes. Only time can heal - blah blah blah. Why can't I seem to learn this lesson? 

- This slow learner

Let the blogging (re)begin!

Yep, I'm back. I'm back and it feels great needed. 

I could do that thing where I tell you what's been happening in the last forever. But I don't want to go into details. So bullet points!

• I'm working on getting into the HKU next year for game programming.
• I broke up with my boyfriend after 11 months.
• I got kicked out of my apartment.
• Moved into a different apartment.
• Threw a few parties.
• Travelled the world. (At least... the Eastern European part of it.)
• Went to a GTA barber.
• Got fish.
• Lost a fish.
• Befriended my neighbour.
• Started roller derby.

These are in no particular order by the way. 

So here I am, less than a weak since the break up, sitting on my couch in my pants and an Adventure Time t-shirt, writing. I was watching telly, then I thought to myself "let's look at facebook". I don't remember really why exactly. But, man, was that a horrid idea in hindsight. 

Let the nicknames return! So there may or may not be this boy who is completely handsome, sweet and a total nerd (like me!). And he likes me. Or he did, but he doesn't anymore? Or he still does but doesn't want to admit it? Or he is just swamped with school and other problems and doesn't want to lead me on so he decided to take the highroad and tell me to go away because he's afraid he'll just hurt me in the end? (Try saying all that in one breath.) Well Confusing is driving me crazy. This whole (no)thing started a few days before I broke up with my boyfriend. Nothing happened, mind you. We were just flirty. I called him out on liking me. I guess our significant problem is I'm upfront and fast with things and he's slower than a sloth... with relationships. Anywho- it was fun and flirty and cute and sweet (after the break-up). I would prefer to say I had have only a crush. Really. In the grade-school playground kind of way. But then we had this conversation over messenger last night (this sounds like an after school special) and it went from okay to bad. I was hurt and crying and feeling stupid. I cried over a guy I barely know! Why?? Can someone please tell me what the hell? Well I wake up this morning and the feeling is gone. I don't feel upset or petty, and I'm completely ready to blame my crazed emotions on the hormone imbalance that comes with "that time of the month"... until. Until I see a photo of him and one of my friends on facebook looking totally hot. The pit of my stomach shuddered while my heart cried a single tear. Meanwhile my brain is tsk-tsking those shallow parts of my body, and reminding me that he's just whatever. I'll see him on Saturday, and guess what? I'll be sweet, kind and understanding. It was only a crush after all. Confusing is a cool guy and if he's not ready, then that's the way it is.

Tonight I will go see the Hunger Games part 2 with a friend and then chill afterwards with a few people. A-bout mother ducking time! Jokes. (Insert winky face here.) Though, I haven't talked with them since post break-up, so I'm really looking forward to tonight.

Stay tuned for the next blog post! When I talk about Comic Book Hero, and how we already  have 2 (or three, I lost count) nerdy dates planned for the near future! The trip to Finland fiasco! And since I can't predict the future, whatever else happens until then! 

- This little girl with a crush